Do as I say not as I do

So recently I was at a workshop which was to be a motivational day regarding turning passion into profit.
The speakers were great.
I wont go into who they were, as that is not the point here.
I do not wish to name (and/or) shame.
But I do want to make a point.

The fact is that on the day I WAS motivated.
I was made to think about what I want right now.
I was encouraged to think that I could achieve far more than what I had done up to this point.

I went on my breaks with my head full of ideas and was even motivated to almost sign up for a further workshop weekend with one of the speakers who I felt quite fired up by.
The price they were asking wasn't outrageous - it seemed good value and was even going to be presented locally.
Bonus!

I went home after the workshop and thought I might jump on the Facebook pages of the speakers.
When I started to find out more about them one in particular did not have the sort of background that I would have been proud of and one that I would have imagined being from someone promoting themselves as a motivational speaker.

In fact some of the things I was reading about in this person's recent past was rather gob smackingly awful.

So, this then left me with a very sour taste in my mouth.

This leads me to the question - what happens when you are all fired up by someone who inspires you to be a better person but you find out that they really don't walk their own talk?

I know we all make mistakes.
But when people are in a position of instructing others on how to live a better life but are themselves doing very wrong things that have a deep effect upon others - what does that do to their teaching?

Where does that leave those that believe in them?

Can errors like this be fobbed off?
Should these people know better?
Should they even be in the public domain as transformational speakers?

I am sure you have your own opinion - whether it is all about forgiveness or whether it might be a reaction of 'how dare they have the audacity to be out there after what they have done'.

Should I feel lied to?
I was not told the WHOLE story only the bits that would give me an emotional connection to this person. If they had revealed their latest scandals would I have felt the same way about them?

Most probably not.

There are some things you can let slip, but...not if the things done are not paltry nor done once, but many times over an extended period - it's something you need to put into perspective.

I know that none of us is perfect and we should not be judging others for what they do - but... should a person who has, for example, committed crimes be telling you how to manage your life?

Shouldn't those who are in a position of teaching bear that in mind when leading their personal lives?
Is their request for our money just funding their lifestyles (which it is) but dose that not suggest that they speak one thing but keep doing another and doesn't hat make them hypocrites?

Its time for all of us - writers, bloggers, webinar hosts, healers, psychics, teachers, counsellors etc to just think closely as to whether we just talk, or whether we listen to our own advice before we give it out to others.

A long look in the Mirror

A long look in the mirror this morning to see what is reflected back at me.
I see someone who has survived and is in a relatively good place.
Yet anxiety pushes me into the belief that my future is uncertain and that I should worry about it -
excessively.

So, today I choose to put some earrings in, have a shower and go for a walk (amongst people) which is always hard when I am stressed.

I choose to breathe in and accept myself and know that the mirror says says, "I always get up after I fall".

Today I may go out and offer some healing to others and deflect thoughts from myself, because thinking about others and their plight in life is much more constructive.

I will go and sit in my sacred space of healing and heal myself.

And I will write - write it all out of myself. I will learn to take in the power I give to others for myself.

The brokenness I see may be just an illusion.
So I will push against the image I see - or better still turn away and look again tomorrow.

Creating a life of magic when the world says no!

So..
Here I am almost 59.
Still no quite me.
Still putting together pieces of the puzzle.
At 58 you would think I would no longer be scared to be me.
Maybe I am frightened to search that deeply?
I may not like what I find - Or maybe I will be afraid of what others will say when I find that dark woman and accept her fully?

I am not afraid of darkness by the way. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life.
Still almost 60 its there.
Every day.

I have presented only half of me to the world.
The half not driven by the anxious me.

The half that was acceptable.
While the other half boiled and curdled inside.

The dark moon woman came out on occasion but was harassed back into a corner either by other people's ego or my own lack of self esteem.

Small bits crawled out under the cover of darkness over the years until I became a sliver of a moon woman only brightly shining sometimes, often when no one was watching, reflecting back to myself but not allowing me to grow any further.

I led a life where it was about pleasing and I continued being afraid.

And yet today - at almost 59 I sat and went, "No - this has to change".
This is my last chance to allow myself to be at my full potential.
It is not too late.
(although it was too late yesterday)

This age - this fear of oldness and losing time to 'do'.

It is not only the domain of the young  - it is also the domain of the crone.

The crone who is expected to behave and be away from sight and just act normal.

But I don't want to act normal.

I want to acknowledge that my power is now and I must step into it however much I am scared to do so.
I must acknowledge that life is still worth living every moment in its fullness and never ever again saying that "I am too old for that" or "What will people say".

So this is a journal - a written experience of my continued evolution (hopefully) until I can truly say that I 'have arrived'.

I turn 59 this October - in about 6 weeks.
Part of my journey is a trip to Scotland and England to write and to think and to find a little bit more that has been missing - another piece of the puzzle that is me.

Please join me.

I dont want to do this alone.

Here I add a quote so aptly posted by someone today:

Becoming our fullest selves is a journey of the soul; mythical, magical, transformative.
It requires of us to surface from the depths of our psyches what we may not want to see, know or feel, what we may want to reject.
It is precisely our hidden grief, unspoken rage, fear, longing and unknown joy that wants to know of us our courage.
Are we brave enough to own it's existence within us and not exile it to places we refuse to go? You say you want to be whole and free? First then descend. Find the gold hidden in the dark caves of your heart and belly.
This is your rite of passage home. When you truly know all of who you are, you will no longer live in avoidance and fear of your vast human nature.
Alisa Starkweather

May the fear not stop you.