A long look in the Mirror

A long look in the mirror this morning to see what is reflected back at me.
I see someone who has survived and is in a relatively good place.
Yet anxiety pushes me into the belief that my future is uncertain and that I should worry about it -
excessively.

So, today I choose to put some earrings in, have a shower and go for a walk (amongst people) which is always hard when I am stressed.

I choose to breathe in and accept myself and know that the mirror says says, "I always get up after I fall".

Today I may go out and offer some healing to others and deflect thoughts from myself, because thinking about others and their plight in life is much more constructive.

I will go and sit in my sacred space of healing and heal myself.

And I will write - write it all out of myself. I will learn to take in the power I give to others for myself.

The brokenness I see may be just an illusion.
So I will push against the image I see - or better still turn away and look again tomorrow.

Creating a life of magic when the world says no!

So..
Here I am almost 59.
Still no quite me.
Still putting together pieces of the puzzle.
At 58 you would think I would no longer be scared to be me.
Maybe I am frightened to search that deeply?
I may not like what I find - Or maybe I will be afraid of what others will say when I find that dark woman and accept her fully?

I am not afraid of darkness by the way. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life.
Still almost 60 its there.
Every day.

I have presented only half of me to the world.
The half not driven by the anxious me.

The half that was acceptable.
While the other half boiled and curdled inside.

The dark moon woman came out on occasion but was harassed back into a corner either by other people's ego or my own lack of self esteem.

Small bits crawled out under the cover of darkness over the years until I became a sliver of a moon woman only brightly shining sometimes, often when no one was watching, reflecting back to myself but not allowing me to grow any further.

I led a life where it was about pleasing and I continued being afraid.

And yet today - at almost 59 I sat and went, "No - this has to change".
This is my last chance to allow myself to be at my full potential.
It is not too late.
(although it was too late yesterday)

This age - this fear of oldness and losing time to 'do'.

It is not only the domain of the young  - it is also the domain of the crone.

The crone who is expected to behave and be away from sight and just act normal.

But I don't want to act normal.

I want to acknowledge that my power is now and I must step into it however much I am scared to do so.
I must acknowledge that life is still worth living every moment in its fullness and never ever again saying that "I am too old for that" or "What will people say".

So this is a journal - a written experience of my continued evolution (hopefully) until I can truly say that I 'have arrived'.

I turn 59 this October - in about 6 weeks.
Part of my journey is a trip to Scotland and England to write and to think and to find a little bit more that has been missing - another piece of the puzzle that is me.

Please join me.

I dont want to do this alone.

Here I add a quote so aptly posted by someone today:

Becoming our fullest selves is a journey of the soul; mythical, magical, transformative.
It requires of us to surface from the depths of our psyches what we may not want to see, know or feel, what we may want to reject.
It is precisely our hidden grief, unspoken rage, fear, longing and unknown joy that wants to know of us our courage.
Are we brave enough to own it's existence within us and not exile it to places we refuse to go? You say you want to be whole and free? First then descend. Find the gold hidden in the dark caves of your heart and belly.
This is your rite of passage home. When you truly know all of who you are, you will no longer live in avoidance and fear of your vast human nature.
Alisa Starkweather

May the fear not stop you.